건강칼럼 투석을 시작하는 사람들에게

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작성자 민들레내과의원
댓글 12건 조회 8,826회 작성일 21-12-10 15:55

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민들레 내과 혈액 투석 환우 진권장님이 쓰신 수기문입니다.


절망을 예단하는 사람들!

작년 연말에 의사선생님이, “자 이제 투석을 준비해야겠습니다.”고 했을 때의 충격이 거의 1년이 다 되어가는 지금에도 생생하다. “투석 안하는 방법은 없습니까?” 나는 대답을 뻔히 알면서도 투석이라는 사건을 받아들이기 어려워 투정을 했고, 의사선생님은, “화장실 가는 것쯤으로 가볍게 생각하세요. 수시로 화장실 가듯 몸 속의 노폐물을 내보내야 합니다. 너무 심각하게 생각하지 마세요. 투석으로 우리의 삶이 달라질 수도 있으니까요.”


나는 시작부터 “무슨 이야기를 하고 있나? 내 인생은 벌써 끝났는걸.” 스스로 절망을 예단하고 내 스스로를 절망의 틀 속에 가두고 있었다. 이미 죽을 목숨을 아직까지 부지하고 있으니 “봐줄만한 좀비”로 규정하며 스스로를 자학하기 시작하였었다. 내 주위의 가족도 친지도, 그리고 지인도 모두가 나의 절망을 예단하고 이를 전제로 날 위로하려고 하였다. “낙심하지 말고 힘내어라. 절망에서 이겨야 한다.” 내 주변 사람들이 내게 건네는 위안의 목소리는 모두가 이와 비슷했었다.


“삼성병원”에서 시작하여 모모한 병원을 거쳐 이곳 “민들레내과”에서 투석생활 시작한지도 이제 반년이 넘어선다. 지난 2월 어느 날, 주변 사람들이 대학병원 급 병원에서의 투석을 권했지만, 몇 군데 병원을 거쳐, 모 수 간호사님의 간절한 추천으로 민들레내과에서 내 나름으로 시험 진료를 받게 되었다. 민들레내과에서는, 간호사님들의 개개인에 대한 간절한 보살핌에서 진심어린 배려하는 마음을 느낄 수 있었으며, 병원장 선생님의 첫 시간에의 진심어린 기도로, 절망의 문턱을 기웃거리던 나는 또 다른 가능성의 세계를 찾게 되었다. 일상의 삶 속에서의 소망이라는 말의 의미를 다시 생각하게 되었다. 이 기도는 예수님의, 과학적으로 설명할 수 있는, 의사와 간호사의 손을 빌린 합리적 기적과 영적세계의 초자연적 기적을 내심 바라고 있던 내게 병원 선택의 알맞은 구실을 주었었다. 같은 사안에서 관점에 따라 다른 의미를 찾게 됨은 어쩌면 우리에게 주어진 또 다른 엄숙한 과제인지도 모른다. 그래서 우리 스스로가 의미부여의 주체라 하지 않았던가!


실제 투석생활을 경험하면서, 반년 넘게 투석의 아픔을 이겨내면서, 직접 운전하는 기사는 멀쩡한데, 미래를 예측하기 어려운, 기존의 모호한 관념적 사고 틀 속에서 새로운 사태에 제대로 적응하지 못하는 승객이, 오히려 운전자는 멀쩡한데도, 먼저 멀미를 하듯, 투석생활에 대한 불안과 지레짐작으로 모래 늪 속에 빠져 들 듯 절망하던 나도, “어! 투석도 괜찮네. 어디 투석해보자.”하는 오기도 생겼다. 투석으로 얻게 된 새로운 삶에 감사하게 된다.


투석을 통해 나는 또 다른 삶의 의미를 얻는다. 목사님을 비롯한 많은 지인들의 걱정과 기도에 희망과 용기를 얻는다. 실제 간호사님들의 같이 아파하고 안타까워 손끝을 체험하면서, 더구나, 종전의 병원에서 금기시되었던 운동도 이곳 의사 선생님의 권유로 재개하면서, 하루 걸러 화장실 가는 내 생활에 차츰 적응해가고 있으며, 투석생활에 대한 내 생각도 차츰 바뀌어 가고 있다.


절대적으로 유한하게 주어진 나의 시간에 덧붙여진 또 다른 은혜의 잉여 시간에 감사할 뿐이다. “꿈 꿔라. 희망하라. 믿어라.” 스스로 채찍질을 계속한다.

 

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